Hello, Ice Queen. It’s the guy who you said you loved more than any other person you’d ever loved in your entire life...you know, the one you said you couldn’t imagine ever living without...the one you want to spend the rest of your life with...“The One?”
What a bizarre way to express your devotion...by not returning my calls. You must be sooooo distraught...though your coping mechanism of tweeting pics of you and random dudes at the bar to your “legions” of followers is rather puzzling. How many of them did you make out with? I’m sure you were thinking about me the whole time.
God, you’re cruel.
You are one of the most heartless, most...inhumane human beings I have ever met. Do you have no conscience? How can you not pick up the phone when I call? When you hear “The Final Countdown” ringtone...do you not smile? Aren’t you even the least bit curious about how I’m doing? It’s been four days. Four. Days.
You are so freaking stubborn.
And no, I’m not drunk...hungover, actually. I can hear you now, “Shock-ing.”
Anyway...would you believe that I got into a fight last night? Yup, a real, genuine street brawl. I met Brendan and a couple of his jackass friends at Hagerty’s, one of whom mouthed off to some meathead as we were leaving. Next thing I know I’m on my knees trying to pull the meathead off the jackass, when some other meathead grabs me by the hair, the hair, then throws me to the ground and starts pounding the back of my head. Don’t worry, I’m fine...just watched clumps of my hair fall out in the shower this morning.
Anyway...I know things have been rough for us lately, and I know...look, I’m sorry that...that I made you cry on your birthday. If that’s what this is about then...I just wish I could take back what I said. It was insensitive, and selfish and...just...stupid. I knew it as soon as I said it.
And of course...locking us out of your apartment that night didn’t help, either...that was...yeah...didn’t help.
Anyway, please call me when you get this. I love you. No matter what...no matter what trivial little thing one of us says that the other takes the wrong way. I didn’t mean it how you thought I meant it.
I hate trying to pour my soul out to you over the phone...just wish you’d pick up...
Saw on Facebook that you straightened your hair when you went out with “the girls” the other night...awfully spiteful of you...way to twist the knife...
God, this is so frustrating!
Anyway...didn’t do much this weekend, other than the brawl...um...oh, actually, I biked down to the lake on Friday. I stopped at the creepy totem pole thingy...and yes, I thought of that squirrel. God, that thing was demented. You remember how it turned around and sorta, like, taunted us after stealing the granola bar? Right off the blanket! Like, an inch from my face! Every time I see a squirrel now I just wanna...
Anyway...to happier times. Not that I’m drinking...I swear to you I’m not...
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I hope that we can get our revenge on that squirrel some day...
Give me a call...please. I love you so much...I’m sorry...sorry for leaving such a long message...sorry for everything...just...sorry...
Bye, dear.
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